ADULT CHILDREN

Parenting doesn't stop when our children are grown ...even as adults, they can continue to perplex, challenge, and amaze us.

ATTACHMENT PARENTING NEVER STOPS
When my daughter, Heather, 27, informed me she would be having major knee surgery this summer, I offered to come and stay with her for two weeks. I knew, as only a mother knows, she would need a lot of initial help and no one would willingly give it as well as I could. She had no idea of the intense post-op care needed. Neither did I.

I felt so strongly about being there, I bought the plane tickets before I asked my boss. (This took courage since we are still in a culture where nurturing is not the norm and attachment parenting one’s children, regardless of the age, is not encouraged, perhaps even regarded strangely.) I told her I would be with my daughter for two weeks and had arranged coverage at work. She started to grumble, but something in my intention caused her to have new respect for me. This was nonnegotiable. I was going to be there!

I was almost caught off guard by my intense desire to be sure I was with Heather after surgery. It was a knowing that she needed me. Perhaps because I am in menopause, it was easier to quietly speak my truth to my boss and not worry about consequences. I knew what I had to do, whom I needed to be with, and was not afraid of what others would think.

Surgery was successful—in and out in one day. Not too long ago, such surgery would have required several days in the hospital. Now patients are sent home with pills, a handful of instructions that are not so easy to understand, and some numbers to call.

For the next week, I gave my daughter ’round-the- clock care with pain meds, meals, and waking up every four hours to help her walk to the bathroom. Part of Heather’s pain medication came through a catheter inserted in her knee, which we removed ourselves a few days later. I did all the shopping, errands, cleaning, animal care, organizing, etc.—things a Mom likes to do for her daughter.

Heather lives with her two cats in a small apartment. We shared the same bed (sometimes all 4 of us!) so I was able to monitor her closely. It was like being with her as a neonate all over again. What a gift! I loved every minute. I found out that I haven’t lost my touch either.
An extra bonus was having Heather’s brother and his family live upstairs, so my four-year-old grandson became the assistant physical therapist. When I wasn’t helping Heather, I was feeding Malu and doing puzzles.

By the end of the two weeks, I was really wishing I could have another week in order to continue the help my daughter needed. However, I was grateful for the time I had. She had started back to work and I was due to fly home Sept. 11.

As it turned out, I did have my extra week, although I would have gladly gone home as scheduled rather than stay because of the tragedy our nation faced. When I did leave, Heather was in an even better place, had begun physical therapy, and was doing really well. My daughter was surprised at how much she did need me! Our relationship moved to a new and more trusting level.

My husband was very understanding throughout this time. His strong support took away the stress that might otherwise have been present. Mail, meals, correspondence, my work, and my spouse all survived well without me.

Just hanging out with my two children, daughter-in-law and grandson for this length of time was very special. We had our family ups and a few downs. Siblings will always be siblings. But because my children are now adults and I have been trying to practice HRE, I was able to be a better “Wise Woman,” listen more and allow them to work things out.

In LLL we talk a lot about attachment parenting our little ones and even teens. Well, I have found out those feelings don’t ever go away. As long as we are mothers, we will have that special connection, intensely knowing our children, and will always be able to be there for them (in one way or another)—even when they think they have outgrown us. Thank you La Leche League and Dr. Sears. I am grateful for the courage to follow—once again—my mothering instincts.
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by Louise Cox, Connecticut USA
from Continuum, No. 4/2001 ~ No. 1/2002

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