BOOK REVIEWS FROM CONTINUUM
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g Another Country - Navigating the Emotional Terrain of our Elders
My discovery of Another Country could not have come at a better time. I was flying 1,200 miles to accompany my mother, age 77, for a medical test that she was feeling apprehensive about—one that I had suggested she undergo. With book in hand, I boarded the plane and read nonstop until we landed. What the author had to say not only helped me through the next few days, but continues to give me much to ponder.
Mary Pipher is an internationally noted psychologist and an engaging writer (her other books are Reviving Ophelia and The Shelter of Each Other). In Another Country, Pipher acknowledges that as a nation we are not organized in a way that makes aging easy. “We lack the housing arrangements, social structures, traditions, and wisdom to make the last years of life manageable. No one wants to die surrounded by hired help. No one wants their parents to be anxious about money and pain their last years. Yet these things happen all the time. There is an enormous gap between what we believe is right and what is practical.” Even when logistics can be worked out so that families are together, there are often communication problems, as well as problems caused by different ways of interpreting the world.
Pipher maintains that we need a language that bridges the gap between generations and takes into account all the differences that exist between our generation and one who lived before television, e-mail, and Freudian psychology, one who grew up in real communities where people looked out for one another. Drawing from interviews with families and older people, it is a practical book, offering us scenarios and poignant stories that help us bridge the communication gap. It presents a true understanding of the mindset of men and women in their 70s, 80s, and 90s.
One section of the book deals with the U.S. culture’s stereotypes of the old, none very complimentary, as contrasted with other cultures where the old are revered and respected. “In our culture,” writes Pipher, “the old are held to an odd standard. They are admired for not being a bother, for being chronically cheerful. They are expected to be interested in others, bland in their opinions, optimistic, and emotionally generous. But the young certainly don’t hold themselves to these standards.” This certainly made me stop and think.
There are often times when the old need to be cared for and supported through their fears. Our roles with our parents may become reversed and this can be a difficult transition. Being able to accept this (on both sides) with grace and dignity seems to be the task, and Pipher is very good at guiding us along.
Throughout this book, Pipher not only shares stories, but encourages us to ask the old in our lives to relate their stories to us and to their grandchildren. For a generation who experienced a depression, a World War (or perhaps even two), hailstorms and floods that wiped out farm crops, and so much more, we may find—if we ask—that they are an amazingly resilient generation. As Pipher shares, “They know how to laugh, to dance, and to share meals with one another, no matter what the circumstances.” And you can bet their stories are a more entertaining window on history than any textbook.
Because Another Country is such a heartwarming book about people, feelings, communication, and “taking the time,” it certainly fits with all that La Leche League has always stood for. It’s an easy read, but even better, it’s a very thought-provoking, practical, and hopeful field guide for the challenges of old age—our own and our parents.
I especially like Pipher’s comments in the beginning of her book, which seem so appropriate for closing this review: “Each generation has its own gifts to share with all other generations. I hope this book inspires people to work on new ways to connect the generations. I hope adults will call, write, and visit their own aunts and great-aunts. I want grandchildren and grandparents to spend summers together and maybe even figure out ways to live near each other. I hope my writing inspires people to plan family reunions and intergener-ational bonding events. I want community activities organized not by age but by formed families so that people of all ages can work together. I want schools to be facilities where people of all ages work and play. In short, I hope we all can become one country.”
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Reviewed by Pam Oselka, Michigan USA (Continuum Vol. 13, No. 1, 2000)
g A General Theory of Love
A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D. and Richard Lannon, M.D. is a book for those who are intrigued by the development of emotion in infancy, the unspoken rhythms between mother and child, and the power of ties that lead both children and adults to love. Written in eloquent language full of metaphor and images, the reader will linger over phrases and insights, delving deeply into the deepest emotions of the heart.
The authors' story opens with a poem, an unusual introduction to the early chapters which explore the history of the triune brain and its reptilian, limbic, and neo-cortex functions. The authors outline the basic tasks that each part of the brain oversees in a way that both the scientist and poet will find engaging. The reptilian is the control center for breathing, swallowing, and heartbeat. Speaking, writing, and reasoning all originate in the neo-cortex. It is the limbic brain that is unique to mammals and is the impetus for forming close-knit, mutually nurturant social groups -- families -- in which members spend time touching and caring for one another. This description is important background for the later more philosophical aspects of their writing; yet it is possible to read the chapters in a different sequence and still find the ideas clearly understood.
Several tenets of the work are familiar and comfortable ideas for those who have breastfed, felt a close attachment to their babies, and enjoyed the contact and support of a La Leche League Group. We learn that limbic resonance is operating in these experiences in the same way as the communication between a child and a pet animal, the harmony between a couple falling in love, or the experience of hearing a concert in a crowd of passionate music lovers. As a society we need to attend to the limbic needs of the infant or risk an epidemic of loss and loneliness among our children and adults. To quote the authors:
In modern America, ignorance of the developmental extent of parental love is perilous.… Many parents, particularly mothers, find it excruciating to leave young children behind for days at a time. Limbic pain of that magnitude should not be dismissed as a trifle without the most careful deliberation, the best possible evidence.
There is great comfort in the chapter subtitled, 'What Can Be Done to Heal Hearts Gone Astray.' It is clear from this section that good psychotherapy actually alters the living brain. It, too, is a limbic process as one '...[sits] in a room with another person for hours at a time with no purpose in mind but attending.' People do come to therapy unable to love and leave with that skill restored.
One of the many gifts that parents bring to their babies and children is limbic regulation. This concept is none other than the everyday interaction that mothers and fathers and loved ones provide each other. As part of this discussion, the obsession in our culture with isolating babies at night is carefully refuted. Human beings are drawn to the hub of harmonizing activity of others who help them to balance their emotions through relatedness. Together the bonds between human beings, families, and affiliations do more than all the psychotherapists in the world.
Sprinkled throughout the book are beautiful quotations from literature: Shakespeare, Homer, Emerson, Twain, Hemingway, and many more. Just as the reader is touched by the words of these great writers, so will he or she be inspired by the messages that will reverberate in one’s soul long after reluctantly turning the last page of this extraordinary book.
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Reviewed by Mary Lofton, Illinois USA (Continuum Vol. 15, No. 1, 2002)
g Women's Bodies, Women's Health
Rom
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Reviewed by Louise Cox, Connecticut USA (Continuum Vol. 16, No. 1, 2003)
g Mary Ann Kerwin:
If it’s true that writers write about what they know, then romance writer Holly Fuhrmann’s newest book, Baby, It’s You is a prime example. Holly, an LLL Leader Reserve, places a breastfed baby at the heart of her story.
Imagine the problems if this baby has to be separated from her mother. Now picture Ian Ryan, a handsome "take-charge" corporate exec, who can handle any challenge—until he ends up caring for his newborn niece while his sister is temporarily hospitalized. Add into the mix beautiful Lexi McGraw, Ian's downstairs neighbor and maternity nurse. She is happy to give him some pointers. And once baby is sleeping…
'I tried to write about a 'real' baby in Baby, It's You," says Holly. "She cries, makes messes and generally forces the adults in her life to center around her.
I also tried to portray breastfeeding as accurately and positively as I could.
I even managed to mention LLL. And of course, it was dedicated to LLLI and personally to our local Leaders." According to reviewer Brenda Ramsbacher, "Baby, It’s You is a laugh-out-loud, can't-put-it-down story… by a master storyteller."
While Holly is not new to writing (she has 38 published short stories), her "serious" writing started in January 1996. "I'll never forget the date," she says, “because it was a New Year's resolution! My baby was just barely two and had three siblings from teens on down. So, most of my writing was done in nightly sprints—sprints because I had to write as much as I could before I collapsed from motherly exhaustion!” But those nightly sprints were productive. Her first book, A Snowball's Chance, was published in 1997 and was followed in 1998 by This Old Heart.
"This year has been a real change," according to Holly. "That same baby started kindergarten (my oldest is a senior) and for the first time in seventeen years, the house is mine during the day. Writing during the light of day has been a welcomed adjustment!"
Holly’s next book, Mad About Max, out in mid-February, takes a different twist. It's a comic fantasy that "makes fairy godmothers believable, reminds us all that love is worth working for, and that change can be good."
Two more books are already in the lineup. Magic For Joy is scheduled for release in November of this year and she just sold Miracles for Nick which will be out sometime in 2001.
Baby, It’s You (ISBN 0-8217-6544) is published by Kensington Publishing Corp. through their Precious Gems line and is available at Wal-Mart stores nationwide as well as Wal-Mart on-line.
Mad About Max (ISBN 1-893896-05-6) is published by ImaJinn Books, a new publisher of paranormal, "new-age" romances. ImaJinn Books are found at Amazon and Barnes & Noble on-line.
To keep up-to-date with Holly's writing, check her web site at: http://members.aol.com/hfur/index.html
g Mary Ann Cahill: I’m not reading as much as I’d like—there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Mainly I read periodicals, though I recently finished With God in Russia (1997, Ignatius Press) by Walter Ciszek, who grew up “tough” in a Polish neighborhood in the US, became a priest in the Eastern Rite, went to Russia under an assumed name in order to serve the Polish/Russian people living under Communism. He was accused of being a spy, imprisoned and forced into slave labor building the huge Russian industrial centers in Siberia. All told, he was kept in Russia 23 years. This story is told straightforward and without animosity. The effect is an incredible example of courage and faith in God overcoming totalitarianism. I grew up during WWII and remember the Cold War vividly. This was a look behind the scenes. It made me realize again how fortunate we are in this country
g Edwina Froehlich: I can never pass up a bookstore; consequently I am often into three or four books at a time. Currently I have two that I purchased and three from the library—all calling to me.
Uncovering Clinton by Michael Isikoff (1999, Crown Pub.) was on the less-than-half-price shelf which is always an eye catcher for me. I recognized the author as an experienced and credible reporter of the political scene and thought his version of the happenings would be interesting—and it is.
Between Death & Life is by Dolores Cannon—she is a past life regressionist and the possibilities of reincarnation hold a fascination for me. Lady Be Good is by Susan Phillips, who is a retired Leader I remember from when she was active in Ohio LLL. This is one of many she has written. When I am in the mood for a pleasant romantic novel with a happy ending I have this to refer to. Besides, paperbacks are small, light, and easy to read in bed.
Silver Wedding is by Maeve Binchy, who writes delightful stories about life in modern Ireland. She is a real people lover and a fascinating storyteller. In my mind I actually live with the characters in her story. It is always hard for me to tear myself away and get to my chores when I am in the midst of one of Binchy’s tales.
Everyday Blessings by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn is about parenting and though that is no longer my main focus in life, I had noticed the book in LLLI’s catalogue and made a note to get it. My procrastination in the matter came to an abrupt halt when I discovered that I was to have the privilege of introducing these authors at the LLLI Conference in July. I am only part way through the book at this point but I surely wish I had had it 40 years ago! I am now truly eager to meet the authors in person.
g Viola Lennon: One of the best books I have read in ages is Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden (1997, Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., NY). The style of the writing fascinates me. It has a lilting quality as if written in Japanese and translated. Not so—this is a first novel by Golden, who is an American.
Early in the story, two young girls are sold into slavery after the death of their mother. One is assigned to a house of prostitution, the other has two choices: she can become a maid for the rest of her life, or she can train to be a geisha. A geisha is an entertainer—sometimes more. She must be educated, learn to dance, play a special instrument, and register in her town.
Watching Sayuri study, you see a whole different culture with its own value system. Honesty is admired, hard work is appreciated, and loyalty to one’s supporters is paramount. We view her struggles not only to become a very important geisha, but also to find happiness and contentment. I will never see the word kimono without remembering Sayuri and her story.
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